When Jim Bob Duggar and his wife Michelle (born Heifer) were told to go forth and multiply, they didn’t hesitate a second.
The Duggars currently have eighteen children, and the nineteenth is on its way. Their breeding method has revolutionized farming principles around the world.
“At first we used controlled breeding,” Jim Bob Duggar explains, “but unfortunately this resulted in a miscarriage. We soon realized that the Farmer in the Sky was trying to tell us to change our ways. And look where we are now.”
The Duggar Family posing in front of their farm
Jim Bob, a failed politician, is glad to have found his niche in breeding and exploiting children.
“Breeding children is not what we originally intended to do with this farm,” Jim Bob says. “At first it was just a by-product of marriage. But since we sold the first series to the Discovery Channel it is our core business. We all do our bit.”
When Jim Bob claims that all the children pitch in he is not exaggerating. The elder daughters help breastfeed the young kids, while the elder sons man the pumping station in the barn where Jim Bob’s semen is extracted and stored.
“After the eight kid I noticed that Michelle was not as tight as before,” Jim Bob says, “so we had to shop around for a solution. I went with a BullSucker 2000 with a custom made suction cylinder. The boys really seem to like it too.”
At first Jim Bob and Michelle planned to let their children breed amongst themselves to make sure the fertility and righteous genes were kept within the line, but current so-called ‘laws’ prevent that.
“If it was good enough for the kids of Adam and Eve to start breeding with each other I don’t see the problem,” Jim Bob says. “But the judge just wouldn’t listen to reason. So I guess we have to branch out and start crossbreeding.”
Their eldest son is the first one to venture on this path and is expecting his first child with his cousin Anna.
“I really like Anna.” Michelle Duggar chimes in. “I hear she has conceived the child the natural way, instead of getting rammed up the vagina with a semen filled EasyWhip after church every Sunday.”
Added Jim Bob, “That’ll do, Michelle, that’ll do.”
